title

2003-02-19
5:30 p.m.

I've pretty much sworn off all fast food. Mostly, it's because the quality is so bad. In fact, every fast food chain serves food that I wouldn't feed to any of my pets. It all sucks.

I'm sure that it never used to be that way. At one time I bet that you could go to McDonalds and get a halfway decent and nutritious meal for a reasonable price. This was probably a time when quality actually kept customers eating at your establishment.

By the time scientists could say concretely that certain types of food are addictive either psychologically or physically, fast food CEOs already took advantage of the populace and converted them all to fast food.

Now, it doesn't matter if they serve you dog shit on a plate for 4.99. You will keep coming back because you are hooked, or because you have very little choice. And since an Arby's roast beef sandwich (cardboard) and a Wendy's single with cheese (cardboard with glue) taste relatively the same, price usually wins out. Same shit, same super value menu.

I'm sure that many people will argue this. I mean where else can you get a meal for $3 and some change?

Well, a few years ago, I couldn't afford $3 and change. I could barely afford the case of ramen packets that I would eat a month, and the Fla-vor-aid drink mix to wash it down with. For nearly two years, I never ate any fast food simply because it wasn't an option. When things improved to the "poor" level just above the "damn ass poor" level, I was again able to indulge in quick served decadence. That's when I realized that it sucked.

The food is horrible. Quality standards in these restaurants must be similar to dog food factories. Possibly less. The only flavor that this food contains comes from the grease that oozes from it like gonorrhea from a cheap whore. Still, I choke it down, because most of the time it's all I can afford.

Today, I ate fast food for the last time.

I went to Wendy's, essentially because I find that I get the least revulsion for the dollar here. At quick serve restaurants, there are only certain things that I will order off the menu. To decide what those are, I developed a system that compares the disgusting food/service to the amount of money I am willing to spend to have my tongue violated with their slop. At Wendy's, the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and Sour Cream and Chive Potato (with butter) offer the best shit/value ratio. So for lunch yesterday, that is what I had.

As I have come to expect at the drive through at Wendy's, my food is ready alarmingly quick, telling me that everything was already cooked and had been sitting there waiting for me to come along and order it. But, I'm rewarded with the extra five minutes it would have taken them to actually make my meal fresh.

I make my way back to my office where I choose to eat. Being one of those eaters that likes to eat his food one item at a time I decide to take the potato down first. I really like eating baked potatoes, even if they are from a fast food joint. I like the preparation of adding condiments to it and mixing it all together. It's a fun food. I like to add the butter first. After emptying the contents of my bag, I find that there is no butter to have. Huh. Well, maybe I forgot to ask, and I can still enjoy my potato sans butter. I start looking for the sour cream. Nope. None here. I think that sort of defeats the purpose of a Sour Cream and Chive Potato. I'm still not too angry. I can deal with the fact that my potato will be dry. Cracking open the potato's plastic container I'm greeted with a smell akin to burning ass. The goddamn thing was burnt. Still determined that some part of this thing was still edible, I go to pick up my fork.

Well, there wasn't a fork.

Or a knife.

Or any napkins.

I attempted to keep my composure as I stared down onto my lap where sat the little plastic box containing a potato that looked like a charcoal briquette and considered eating the damn thing with my hands. Then I thought about my sandwich. If fifty percent of my meal could be salvaged and consumed, I may not be hungry for the rest of my day. I carefully peeled back the wrapping to the only part of my meal that I maybe could stomach. What awaited me beneath was anything but.

If you were to define a sandwich as "two or more slices of bread with a filling such as meat or cheese placed between them" this would not fit that definition. A mentally retarded dyslexic six year old with no hands could have constructed my Junior Bacon Cheeseburger better than the swill that filled the foil wrap. The buns of it were soggy in a pink mixture of too much ketchup and mayonnaise, while the burger itself sat halfway between them stringing the half-melted cheese that encrusted it all over the inside of the foil. Three strips of old soft bacon and a leaf of brown lettuce seemed to have been thrown into the wrapper post assembly and lay soaked in the red liquid that was once the slice of tomato.

Had I a weaker stomach, I may have puked. This was absolutely gross looking.

By the time that I had marveled at the most fucked up meal ever served to me, there wasn't enough time left in my lunch hour to return this crap. I've already called and voiced my displeasure at their lack of service and insulted their retarded staff for being total ass wads. But, I can't place the blame entirely on them, fast food places are notorious for their low customer service standards, and they pay these kids shit, and are forced to the slop they make.

If you feel industrious and wish to help me out, feel free to contact the following Wendy's store and reap some vengeance for Chris B!

Wendy's
4474 Mongomery Rd
Norwood, OH 45212
(513) 631-2215

In short - never again. I'm done with fast food.


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